The past few weeks have been pretty intense. My demands as a teacher, coach, and human being have been insane. I have come to the conclusion that I need to make time to relax or I’m going to have a stroke before age 30.
That’s the “short” of it. For details, read on:
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad, but I’ve been busy.
A little back information: I have been a forensics coach since last year when I subbed at NFDL. I took over the position 20 days before the Wisconsin High School Forensic Association (WHSFA) sub-district meet. The nice thing about forensics people is that we all understand how demanding coaching forensics can be. It isn’t respected like a sport is. My current district does not recognize forensics as an academic letter. Because of this, previous coaches have created an academic letter award (apparently the word “award” distinguishes it from an actual letter and makes everything legit). Anyhow, I met the coach of FDL last year and he really helped me out. We’ve stayed in touch and now that I’m in the same district we’ve become friends. Todd is an amazing coach and very dedicated to the associations even though he is no longer the coach of FDL because I am.
Anyhow, my current team saw Todd and I talking and because of hard feelings most likely related to his resignation, they assumed he still had his hands in the team. Everything blew completely out of proportion because they have this very unfair vendetta against him. But being teenagers, they are going to feel like they are, and I can’t invalidate their feelings. I held a meeting to address concerns which I should not have to do in the first place. I was having kids sneaking around my room, parents telling me their side of the story, kids demanding Todd have nothing to do with the team, and etc. It was insane. The main thing my team needed to understand was that there are clerical things (paying fees, scheduling tournaments, bus reservations) that I need help with. Todd, being an awesome person, helps me with those things. No, we aren’t conspiring against the team, no we aren’t discussing team members, and no, he is not going to be an assistant coach. The meeting resolved everything.
I have a team of 29 passionate kids who would do anything for our forensics team. I have established team leadership and they are taking the bulk of the meeting holding and logistical things off of my shoulders so I can focus on the one thing I love to do best–coach kids on how to be better public speakers!
I hate to have to admit this but I have a lot of friends getting engaged. I want to be happy for them but I feel as though my Mom took a lot of happiness out of the initial engagement away from me because we got into an argument in which she demanded to know EK’s financial situation. I just needed her to be happy for me. I see everyone planning and it’s really hard not to be jealous because we aren’t at that point yet. I have no doubt that we’re going to get there. I’m also not going to put us in debt over one day. There’s a lot of societal pressure that deals with being engaged and now I finally understand what EK meant when, at the beginning of our relationship, he said he didn’t need society and the government muddled in with the life he shares with someone he loves. Our wedding won’t be traditional but it will be something that works for us. I am just over trying to answer to everyone about what we’re doing and when. I cannot help but feel jealous even though I know these feelings are irrational.
In addition to the aforementioned, Christmas is coming up and I feel incredibly pressured to go do family things even though I haven’t reconciled with her. My Mom and I hadn’t spoken since July but we met up for coffee on Saturday. I was attending a Coaches Clinic in Appleton for the Wisconsin Forensic Coaches Association (WFCA) so I asked if she wanted to meet. I was so nervous I bit my nails off at the meeting. I started to get teary when she was getting her coffee at Starbucks. I told her how hurt I was. I told her how I needed her to be there for me during the engagement and support our wedding. I told her how I refuse to put myself in a position of judgement with my Grandparents because they are not accepting of the engagement because of EK’s situation. Never mind the idea that it’s not their business. EK doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone. The benefits we both gain for our relationship far surpass any financial situation we’ll ever have. I don’t need to explain this to anyone. I don’t fucking care if anyone doesn’t get it anymore. I’m not going to sit here and justify my relationship to everyone. You get it or you don’t. You support me or you do’t. If you can’t support me, we can’t be friends or civil.
Anyhow, my Mom understood and she really wanted to help with the wedding. I’m going to allow this to happen. I told her how my little sister cannot be involved if we fight. We both felt better after the conversation. I’m cautious and I feel bad that I have to be cautious but I am trying not to put any pressure on myself. We’ll see where it goes. I am spending my time trying not to get my hopes up.
Grades are due on Tuesday and I’m sick. On top of everything else I have to do, I still have to teach. I think getting sick was my body’s way of saying, “If you aren’t going to rest, I’m going to make you rest.” I called in a sub for tomorrow. I feel like crap today. I see about 30 kids per class period. I have meetings during the school day and after school. I am trying to do everything in my capacity not to be burned out. Some days it’s not enough.
School loan debt makes it hard to afford anything else. I hate being 26 with a great job and still so many bills to pay. I know it’s life. Financial burdens suck. There’s no way around it.
Anyhow, that’s where it’s at and that’s where I’ve been. If you’ve somehow made it this far, thank you for reading 🙂